Fortress of solitude

A lot of people around me get freaked out by my silence. I guess, They often think what is wrong with this "lone lonely loner"! Some around me ask me to be more expressive. I get tired of people asking me - "Why are you so much quiet?" whenever I try to mix with people in a group. But very close friends of mine tell me not to change and be just the way you are!

I am happy not being a very social animal. Even being put in a big social group at family wedding/some party I feel a lot deserted! I will have very short replies for people's (irritating) questions and do enjoy killing time in analyzing everyone's reaction and body language. Social contact seems like burden to me most of the times. Majority of the society is too loud and outgoing.

I am totally bad in front of a crowd. I have my own fears to talk to a bunch of people. It would be much easier to give a technical talk than general talk as analytical part of your brain filters out any impractical words come out of your mouth! Sometimes I go blank in talking what is expected out of me, sometimes I even stammer with all the nervousness. It all depends on the exposure of the world around that I got when I was young. Well, I face my fears till today every time I am being laughed at and made fun. I fight my own fears only by facing them regularly.

Being an introvert loner is not so bad at all. It's cool when I don't attract much attention. I feel that I'm on my own and I'm free. I don't have to care about what people will think about me. I don't have to be the "life" of the party to enjoy all the action going around. I have a lot of time to spend for myself and most importantly it helps me to work independently as a individual contributor even though I work in a team. I don't make enemies with anyone. I am good at burying a lot of secrets within myself. I get to go for solo bullet rides exploring around which helps me to get along with nature more closely. When people get my trust they have a real friend in making.

The bad thing about being a loner is that when you are tested with a lot of emotional turbulence you tend to easily lose yourself! One has to be strong not to let it overcome and become a phobia or a disorder of any kind.

I dedicate this random thought to millions of people around who live(or agree to) in their fortress of solitude. :)

Temet nosce

After a long time I get to blog something. Thanks to the power maintenance for couple of days being done at office.

"Temet nosce" - A Latin phrase meaning "Know thyself". I chose this title based on the aphorism written on the plaque above the Oracle's kitchen door in the movie "Matrix", one of my favorites. The post itself briefs you about why the use of this strange title at the end.

Being a teetotaler in a farewell liquor party of an ex-colleague/new year booze party with present ones, you get to experience a lot of offline faces of your colleagues and bosses, some good- some bad - some even ugly! The best part is that you alone remember everything after coming back. ;)

I always wonder why people are so desperate to get so intoxicated with the drug called alcohol? Some strange answers that I got were like: they get drunk to be happy as they feel at liberty to talk anything mean! Some get simply drunk for the thrill-seeking. Some people drink in opinion that someone thinks big of you! While some others think its social to be drinking at party like these and while others drink because of peer pressure.

Many asked me to give up my beliefs and tried very hard to make me succumb to the so called luxury. I was looking at everyone's face to see if someone out there really felt what it means to be yourself and I was so happy to see that at least someone believed in me in giving a nod of disapproval not to give in.

I really liked the compliment that was given to me sometime during the conversation - "A silent warrior". So true that we all are trying hard to fight the battle within.

He always awaits in your subconscious
poised to greet the luxury when you give in,
while I stay wide awake engaged in
the endless covert fighting with my own evil twin.

He laughs at me with exultant joy;
Jeering at all my weaknesses.
While I stay tranquil amidst the uproar
Letting him not know about my failures.


Neither of them take a break ever
indulged in a series of confrontations within
Putting the blame on each other
Tending to unite yang with its yin.

With all the constantly running inner dialogue between my evil twin and my own conscious mind, I still somehow feel that I am a stranger to myself! Do we really "know ourselves"!?