Fmylife!

People nowadays are so busy that they don't have time not even just to think of themselves.

You can call me selfish or the guy who has no work to do or gone nuts! But I always ask myself questions like - Why am I like this? What is wrong with me? How do I spend the rest of my life the best way that I can?

To be frank, I feel lonely most of the time and I am! Even though I stay together with my family, the word together is merely physical because I sense there is no mentally a good healthy bondage in my family even though I participate in this institution. I shouldn't be the one complaining/revealing about all my personal stuff but I feel this as the perfect outlet for my emotions and I don't even know how rudely I am jotting it down or how many of them I am hurting in writing this! I have been crying a lot within me that nobody notices. It hasn't turned so worst as any suicidal instinct or anything but I do feel a lot insecure even at home. Where else do I find comfort? Don't ask me to meet a psychiatrist as I have been thorough this my entire life till now, me being only closest friend of myself. I resolved into all kinds of music, books, movies-illusions of real life and what not but its all temporary diversion to feel I'm still alive. Everyone needs someone to share your feelings with, to fight with, to love, to care, to feel happy for, to be happy with.

I know that the relations that come through the blood cannot be chosen! But neither have I made really close friends whom I can share the feelings that even I don't trust telling it to my parents.

I DO WANT to live my life happily as possible and have always been in the pursuit of that happyness (with a 'y'). I have practiced and learnt to live lonely life which I know is not a socially good way of being a human being but I have been fighting to overcome it ever since I find a little bit of freedom in my way.

I don't know why even at the age of 22 I still am treated as a 13 yr old adolescent! by my parents. To be precise, I am not allowed to take decisions on my own when they are parents around! Why all the nose poking with my life even after I have started to earn my living? Why parenting when we can take care of ourselves? Always trying to force what they couldn't achieve in their life. Not letting me be somebody different. I hate them when they don't trust me. Won't they ever know that I never gonna let them down. All that I expect them is to wish me that my dreams of life never take me out or turn bad and leave me to achieve it. I feel this whole world is mine to fulfill my dreams whatever they are.

I don't know why I have become such a nerd, a geek now but as a kid I was rather forced to take up studies so seriously that I barely remember participating or rather was never allowed to participate in any extra-curricular-activities that I was so much interested in. I regret for all the things I lost in my childhood just to be a product called "yet-another-software-engineer". There are so many ways of earning a living in this world and I have realized it after seeing the industry for about an year sustaining the heat of financial crisis around. Why is that my career was chosen when I was a kid? I want peace in my life rather than running behind money.

Given a choice, I don't want to be what I am right now. I am pretty sure most of them don't want too! as everyone feels grass is always green on the other side.

I don't know many youngsters are suffering similar plight! but so is my F**ked up life! (I had never ever used the F word even with ** in my blog till now)